Absolutely impossible.
I say I
want company.
I want to talk.
I want somebody
to come sit
on my bed
with me.
But at the
same time,
I am so
tired of people
coming in.
I want to be left alone
but I don't
want to be
alone.
I hate people
seeing me like
this.
I hate
the way I
look.
I'm not
dressed for company.
I feel horrible.
They may sit
on my bed.
And jiggle.
I feel worse.
I have nothing
to say.
I can't
think
when they ask
a question.
I am impossible.
In my head
I want you here.
But my body
freaks out
when there are
people around.
I am just simple impossible
I am sorry.
i am an oxymoron
ReplyDeletewithin a rotted core
i know it to be true
as the sky to be blue
But I don't know
what that means
Anymore.
Yours is better. I've lived every second of it, so I'd know. How do you find comfort?
Be honest with people about how bad it is. If they can't take the negativity (generally speaking much of the time being around me & indeed, being me is not fun) then that's their hurdle. When ya can't get out of bed there's no rising to the occasion.
Sorry isn't the energy you want to live in. I feel a great catharsis from readin you say that(all), and so aptly spoken. The reason I resist the sorry so is due to the fact that I need to wipe it from my own reality.
Lyme has hacked my brain.
Did you read the article about pain reprogramming your brain like a clumsy electrician?
I have to let go of sadness periodically & it's like dying to let go of any deeply embedded personality trait. There's so much to learn whenever you feel resistance, so for that(at least) we can be thankful.
Know thyself & love thyself.
How are you doing & what are ya doing? Even being in your dark challenges me. It's taken me an hour {resting} & is just so hard. I get if you can't. You can always complain at me.
You brought me to tears because I know exactly where you are right now and it is a tough place to exist. You need to communicate your needs as best you can because no one else understands what is going on in your body. I know that it takes a lot of energy because I do it, but be your own advocate when you can. DO NOT say "I'm sorry" to anyone because this is not your fault.
ReplyDeleteKnow you are so loved by many people (myself included<3) If you ever need a sympathetic ear I'm just a phone call away, and it's okay if you want to sit in silence just knowing someone on the other end understands.
Love, love, love, love, love you!
Great portrayal of the dialectic. For the first two years I screamed for more help in the home. And now, I just let everyone go (PCA services) because I can't stand it. It's a moment-to-moment thing sometimes.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful.
tillingmama.wordpress.com